I've obviously taken a hiatus from the 'ol blog.
And it's no secret that I'm horrible at blogging. I want to be better. I LOVE reading other's blogs and collecting inspiration. Getting a peak into their everyday. Its like the best kind of people watching. (Don't you love to people watch? Tell me I'm not the only one..)
I had such good intentions. I wanted to do a quick recap of the past year, and then get back on the bloggin' bandwagon. Start fresh.
And then suddenly it was a week later. It's okay though. I was just too content sitting on the couch with my brand new baby. So in love. Bliss. I'll get to it soon. Like next week.
January 10th. Our little worlds were flipped upside down.
That little baby I was so blissfully content to just sit and hold, would very soon be subject to countless, daily doctor appointments, hospital admissions, ER visits, intrusive procedures, she would struggle to merely take a breath. Her life was slipping through my fingers. And I couldn't do anything to hold onto her, but pray. so PRAY we did. Lots of it. The people that God assembled around us were such a HUGE blessing. Far more than they will ever know. Praying life into our baby.
I'm forever grateful. For EACH and EVERY prayer lifted up for our little Scarlet.
I started on a journey in my faith during this time. I can honestly say that I've NEVER felt closer to my Lord. In this new chapter, I started a prayer journal when Scarlet was in the hospital for the second time.
I sat in that hospital room. Alone. Just me and Scarlet.
I peered across the room from the tiny couch bed into her giant, plastic, hospital crib.
The single, recessed light in the corner of the room illuminated the room with just enough of an orange glow that I could see her.
My sweet baby. hooked up to monitors, an IV was punctured into her arm. An oxygen tube in her little nose. A Pulse/Ox monitor around her tiny foot. She struggled to take each breath. Her chest collapsing (literally down to her backbone) on the intake of each. and every. breath. And there was nothing I could do.
All I could do was sit and stare. And pray. Words poured out of the deepest parts of my soul. I think God wanted me alone with her. (Jon had literally JUST started a new job -- like THE DAY we first discovered her health issues. They had already given him SUCH grace by letting him leave during training when we landed in the ER the first time, which would usually result in termination. So he HAD to go to work. So on this second ER visit/hospital admission, once we were settled into the room - around 1am, he left.)
I'm sure that God wanted me alone. So that I would have no one to lean on but HIM. I would have no one to talk to, except HIM. That's where God wanted me. That's where I NEEDED to be.
I poured my heart out. Tears falling from my face as my pen wrote simple, powerful words onto a paper towel.
I've debated for awhile on sharing those words. They came from such a place of dependence and desperation. From a place of God holding me up when I couldn't stand. On my own, I know I would have merely collapsed on that cold hospital floor.
God. Thank you. Thank you for this beautiful, unexpected blessing you've placed in my life. Thank you for the growth she has brought me. Thank you for my marriage & how close we remain despite sometimes hard situations. Thank you for our other 3 beautiful children. And the growth they've brought me & Jon. Thank you for our support system. A people that you've created & surrounded us with. Thank you for your unwavering love. A love that I can't begin to fully understand, yet desire so deeply to imitate. Thank you for your faithfulness. your sovereignty. your plan. To prosper us, not harm.
God my heart is so full right now, yet so empty. I know I am filled to be emptied again. I pray that I bring you praise & glory in ALL situations.
God. Thank you. Thank you for Scarlet. For the 30 days I've been blessed to feel her breath on my cheek. For the 30 days I've been blessed to nourish her. For the 30 days of diapers I've been privileged to change. For the 30 days of unspeakable joy I've felt for her being in our lives. For 30 nights of broken sleep. For 30 days of endless, loving stares. God thank you. Thank you for these 30 days. And if only for these last 30 days, I consider myself blessed to have had them.
Jehovah Rapha. You are our healer. Hear my heart. my soul cry out. Please heal my baby.
God thank you. Thank you for being my everything. For being enough. For choosing death to bring me, us, life. Thank you for your plan. Your will.
Thank you for 30 days.
(10 days later).....the strength I felt as those words poured out of my soul escapes me. And I know that I only had that strength for that particular day. And only due to God's power that filled me. overflowed from me. All glory to God! I understand now, personally, how God can give you strength, for even just a moment. strength that in no way I could have experienced apart from Him.......God, thank you for drawing me near. Thank you for your strength that you equipped me with. Thank you for your protection over Scarlet. me. my marriage. Thank you for your light amongst the darkness. Thank you for the glimpse I had into knowing what it's like to fully believe that You would heal my baby, yet being completely okay if You chose not to. For thine is the kingdom & the power & the glory forever. amen.
I wrote those first words 119 days ago. And now I retype them with a beautiful baby in my lap. She's getting better. Everyday. She's getting bigger. ounce by ounce. She's still tiny. She still struggles sometimes to breath. Her chest still has a small, collapsed spot. A daily reminder of how far she's come. How much she's already endured.
She'll be 5 months on Sunday.
I am thankful.